i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
