I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
