i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
