thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
