i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
