i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
