I want to make a zoo with you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
