i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
