I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
