Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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