remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
