Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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