Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
