How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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