I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
