Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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