How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
