we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
