Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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