Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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