capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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