and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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