I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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