And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
