I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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