Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
