Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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