you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
