She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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