The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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