Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
