after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
