I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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