Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
