do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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