Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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