she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
