i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have aggressive nipples.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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