Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
