Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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