There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
