Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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