I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
