if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
