Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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