You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
