The maid of honor just puked.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
