hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
