those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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