and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
