I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Who died my cat blue again?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
