This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
