We're like a lot better than the average bears
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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