do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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