They should really pass out barf bags in church
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
