aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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