you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
