youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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