I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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